The recent passing of my father has understandably left a huge void in my life. In part this is of course because of having lost the loving patriarch of our family, but a lot of the reason for my grief is the loss of an extraordinary mentor and advisor. A rational person might say that there was nothing particularly sudden about his passing. He was 89 years old and, as is to be expected at that age, had a few health concerns that he was dealing with, in his final years. For a man who had been as active and involved with life, his last few years stood out, as much more sedate in comparison. Nevertheless, despite the fact that he was fortunate enough to have a full and fulfilling life, I can’t help but be deeply affected by the fact that he will no longer be here to guide me with his sage advice. Even though one might say that death is inevitable and comes to us all, his passing away has still left me with a tremendous sense of loss. This is why, despite having previously written an ode to his memory and the ideas and perspectives he most influenced me with, I feel like sharing some insights that the experience of grieving for my loss has given me.
Does insurmountable loss have lessons for us?
Death is just the most extreme instance of circumstances and life experiences that we cannot control. To be alive is, in part, to be constantly vulnerable to loss and pain. Any one of us, if we are even slightly self aware, realizes that our individual experience of this world is extremely insignificant, in comparison to the sheer unimaginable scale of the universe and the forces at work driving it. Despite this, consciousness holds such infinite possibilities that even within our tiny and negligible interaction with the world, there is still a trace of the eternal and unchanging. Perhaps this is why, despite being surrounded by the infinite cycles of birth, growth and death that nature displays all around us, we are grief-stricken by our personal experience of loss and bereavement. With the passing of my father fresh in my mind, it seems obvious to me that what we grieve is the loss of the love, intelligence, compassion, kindness and attachment we share with those that are no longer with us.
This might seem like an obvious observation, but I think it merits some unpacking. If there were some way in which our interaction with our loved one could continue beyond the loss of their physical body, surely we would grieve a lot less, perhaps even not at all. So, clearly what we are grieving is not the loss of a physical presence, but rather a relationship and a particular consciousness that we hold dear, in the form of a person. Perhaps the clearest lesson that my father’s passing has taught me, is how fragile our lives and our loves are. What most makes each and every one of our lives precious is ultimately our impermanence.
Why we have more meaning, because we are transient
We quite often stress the fact that each one of us is unique, in an effort to encourage everyone to embrace their life, with more compassion and self esteem towards themselves. I certainly believe that having a great relationship with our individuality is a wonderful basis on which to interact with the rest of the universe. However, there is another aspect to our being that we often ignore, at least in our every day approach to life, and this is our mortality and the fact that our lives are impermanent. At first glance, there might not seem to be much value in having this awareness. After all, why fixate on the negative? However, what the impact of losing a loved one teaches us is that this awareness need not be a depressing perspective to take at all.
Far from devaluing us or being a thing to fear, our mortality makes our unique individuality even more precious. Awareness that our time in this world is finite is not a cause for sadness. On the contrary, it is the most rational and powerful basis that we have to respect ourselves, as well as every other consciousness that we share the world with. It makes each one of our relationships priceless and each of our moments living this life valuable. Nothing makes every passing moment more beautiful and profound, than the realization that it is going to pass and everyone associated with it will one day fade from the physical world into memory. I can understand why we assume the self delusion that we have all the time in the world. Doing so allows us to make the most of the moment we are in at a superficial level. However, what loss and grieving has taught me most is that what we are experiencing and the relationships we share are utterly irreplaceable and priceless.
Embrace your lives and your loves ones, dear reader. Savour the moment you are in and be free with your love, respect and compassion for those that share your lives with. Having my father as the most influential figure in my life was a privilege and the greatest blessing the universe has bestowed on me. Losing that gift has taught me to hold dear everything that my life consists of. My hope for our world is that we are all able to understand the remarkable nature of our existence and that of those around us, while we are still experiencing it.
